Friday night.

Where do I start? 

Proverbs 3:11-12

"My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

Ok, for my case it should say daughter and I feel like God has been lovingly correcting me rather than diciplining me. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I came back last weekend excited because God have given me guidance of what direction he wants my life to take. That is good and that is something to be excited about. The problem was I didn't know exactly what that was suppose to mean for the here and now. That is where I started to lean on my understanding. 

I knew that in my relationship with Jason we weren't being totally devoted to God so I figured that meant I needed to let go of that relationship in order to pursue what God was doing now in my life. I figured that since we were putting each other in God's rightful place it meant that we each needed to back off and focus only on God for this time.  Some people I love, respect, and truly look up to as a Godly example sat me down for a talk. They wanted me to think about what God had already done in my life and ask myself about this new direction.  They wanted me to think about the nature of love and how I wasn't acurately displaying that. They were quick to point out how it was God who had told me to pursue a relationship with Jason even in a time when he creeped me out and I wanted no part in it. As they said God doesn't change his mind. If he had told me to pursue this relationship it was is in his plan. Well this lead to some deep thinking on my part.

Well, these thoughts gave Jason and I plently to talk about Friday night. I told him of my fears, of how I didn't want either of us to so focused on each other that we forget about God. The past year has been pretty rocky for us and we both knew it. In our talk he said , "You say your whole life was changed this weekend, let me tell you my world changed. This was God's wakeup call for me. He was reminding me of how he has given me so much and in an instant he can take it all away. I've never have been so diciplined in my life as I have been the past few days. Do remember how scared the devil was of us. Well he hasn't been but he's getting scared again Kristi. I don't want him to have us or our children.  When we are married our triangle can be so small that we are one [triangle refers to a relationship where God is the top and the bottom corners are formed by the two people in a relationship]. " [paraphrase]  That is only a small excert from the conversation we had. Let me tell you, I have never been more in love with him than I was in that moment. There is something that strikes the core of my being when I can see Jesus pour out from his heart.  I spent that night reading the bible, praying and just wrestling with what God wanted from me.

What conclusions did I come to? I knew that God had put Jason in my life. That I was absolutely certain of. We do not serve a God who changes his mind the way mere mortals do. Was he happy with the state our relationship had previously been in? No. My mind turns to the song White as Snow by Leslie Ludy, "...The moment you confessed His heart forgave ~You might think you've ruined all the plans He had for you~ But it's for that very reason Jesus saves~ White as snow ~He has made you white as snow~ Pure and innocent like a dove..." I realized that ever since I came back Jason was there strengthening me. God doesn't want me to try and do everything alone. He does want me to be careful in my relationship and that is something we both have agreed on. I don't want a single thought to be dishonoring to God. 

It seems everyone has asked me why don't I just continue with dentistry and use that with missions. I think that is a great thing but I really feel God has been calling away from that. I had pursued dentistry because it was a way to work with my hands and to incorporate my favorite subjects and still be able to afford all my hobbies. It was kind of my ticket to having it all. The desires of my heart have been changing. There has been nothing I love more that being with children. Ever since the first time I fasted [right around the presidential election] my thoughts have also been on the poor. Ministry has also been another desire that has been tugging at my heart since my second year at Somerset. After talking these things over with Jason I think I would like to be a teacher in an orphanage. Is that exactly what God has in mind? I'm not sure. God has some great plans for my future and I'm just excited to take each step in this journey towards his plan.