a different kind of day

9:10

I've been praying for freedom. Freedom from what others think, freedom from my list of things to do, freedom from just about everything. I had become a slave to school, work, and what others thought of me. Today was a day of deliverance. My entire day was filled with peace. I took my anatomy test and didn't really worry about the score. I went to work and had fun with the kids. I came home and didn't run to my school work. I'm learning to realize that there are more important things and I really can stay connected to God even through school and work.

There was this baby crying at work and I just wanted to make him happy. I knew what he really wanted was some love so I picked him up. It didn't stop the tears even as I bounced around the room with him in my arms. Then he looked into my eyes and we just stared at each other. I fell in love with those beautiful blue eyes. He had stopped crying as he stared at me, he seemed to be mezmerized by something. When his finger touched my lips i made a kissing sound. Finally a smile started to form at the corners of his mouth. So I made tons of kissy noises and then he smiled and laughed. The joy a laughing baby can bring is priceless. I wished I would never have to let him go. I don't think I can ever have enough children. I can't wait to be a mom.

10:40

So I bid on a set of 6 disney dvds. The moment I did I thought, " I really shouldn't be spending money right now." Then I flipped to a blog I follow. It's a 16 year old that believes in helping orphans. After listening to the song that was playing and reading her blog entry I hoped that I would be outbid. I decided it would be better to take that money and use on orphans. I said a little prayer and flipped back to ebay. I was outbid. I looked in my purse and I had exactly the amount I had bid. Pretty cool, huh?

Worth writing

Even if I'm late for work this is worth writing down. I've been extremely overwhelmed with everything lately. I came home from school and felt like i had to study for my test. I was just stressed. Then I could feel God tugging on my heart. All I could say in my head was I don't even know how to talk to you. I don't know how to give you what you deserve, i dont even know how to rightly worship you anymore. I'm just lost.

I got on facebook to try and get in contact with someone for just another thing on list of what to do. I had an email from Teresa, the one I call my living saint. Well, it was a youtube video of a woman singing and just worshiping. I was in awe of the way she worshiped. When it was over it had a bunch of related videos and I started watching them. I liked them, but it wasn't like they had a huge impact. I still didn't know how I could have that. I took a shower and decided just to sing to god from my heart.

I started singing, "I can't see Jesus anymore. Can you be Jesus to me today. I've forgotten how love you, I've forgotten what your like. I need someone to show me Jesus. Show Jesus to someone with a hug...Can you show me Jesus today? I know he lives in someone's heart. Will you let him use you so I can see Jesus today?

I hopped back online after the shower. This is what I read:

It was the first night of one of our big church conferences, and I was home with a sleeping baby, frantically cleaning up and getting ready to go to worship practice. I had so much to do it was ridiculous. As I'm running around the house, I pass by the piano in our living room and felt like I needed to sit down and worship. "Ya right!" , I thought - "Do you know what I have to do!?!" So I ignored the thought and continued my whirlwind. But I knew it was Him. So, frustrated, I sat down at the piano and began to play/sing in a minor key, "what can I do for you? What can I bring to you?". It was real and it was honest - which I think personally, is the ONLY way to come to Him. And as I sat there with my frustrated scowl on my face, the Lord spoke to me, "I didn't want anything, I just wanted to be with you." My heart sank. And through snot and tears, I wrote this song:

What can I do for you
What can I give to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
I'll dance a dance for you
I'll pour out my love to you
What can I give to you beautiful King
Cause I can't thank you enough
I can't thank you enough

Then I hear you sing to me
You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let the housework go
Those things can wait another minute
Wait this moment is to sweet please stay here with me
And love on me a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you

I thought I want something like that. Then I went to her video links. I clicked on a song that said "Jesus singing". The title really caught me. The video opened in a new page and it said "Jenn Singing". I looked back at the original window and it had said Jenn Singing, not Jesus singing. I got the message, Jesus had found someone to show himself to me through. I listened to the words as if it was Jesus himself singing to me. I had tears.It wasn't until later that I realized the song I just heard was the one I had just read about in her blog.

God's working on me

What can I say I'm so far from perfect. I'm a mess of contradictions:prideful and yet filled with insecurities. I'm often filled with a poor sense of self worth. Learning virtues has been forming me into a new person but I just need more of God. I tell myself I'm searching for him, but I'm not doing the best job I can do.

So many scenes of movies and tv shows I never should have watched have been flashing in my head lately. I'm reminded of how even lately people watch trashy television and I hate it being on, yet I still let my eyes take it in. I'm becoming ever aware of how much your surroundings can make you who you are. Of course you can rise above it, but it deffinately has it's effect.

 I need more people around me who are really seeking God. Most people that are around me on a daily basis just dont understand and aren't very supportive. I at least need a spiritual leader I can turn to. I often feel so alone. Now that Jason and I barely see each other (still a blessing that he has a job,though) it's really getting to me. I found a church I like going to. Hopefully God will place some people in my life that will help me on this journey towards my savior. I need a personal relationship with him again. I feel like I'm trying to do it all on my own. I know God is real, I pray to him, but everything seems like head knowledge, not heart knowledge. Pray for me.

cry of my heart

How hard it is to see my failures

How sweet it is to know I'm not alone

How wonderful to be forgiven

How amazing to be fully loved

It's so confusing trying to find the way

Not knowing what is or isn't sacred

Such peace when wisdom finds its way

Continuous struggle

How rewarding it will be in the end

A life that struggles to be its own

surrenders to your will

better than I could do alone

Your way, not my own

Please PRAY

I believe God uses us wherever we are and with whatever we are going through. The continuing theme in my life the past couple weeks has been, "lean not on your own understanding" and "you need to work together with the rest of the body".

" so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."

~Romans 12:5

Last night after praying for Jesus to break down my walls I was able to speak to Jason about this struggle for me. I told him I have issues with trust and just being free to be me with others. I won't get into our whole conversation but I told him it's hard because for so many people there is seriously a process to getting me to open up just for a conversation. I said there are these people who can walk up to the doors and they fly open, but for most there is a very long combination. He replied with,  "yeah and the combination continually changes". The sad part is he is right. If you are reading this please pray that my doors would open up. I want so desperatly to be able to know and love the rest of Christ's body. I want to know them in such a way that we function together. 

P.S. Romans 12 is awsome! (God knew it's just what I needed to read at this moment.)

God speaks

Jason and I had quite a long spiritual conversation tonight. I had felt weak earlier today and we had a very important conversation about what do we believe and what we need to be careful of. As we are not at a point that we can say we believe in our heart any certain doctrine is the true way he was reminding me to be careful. We both are so different which is a huge reason I believe God has brought us together. 

Jason was warning to be careful of just being "spiritual" and talked of how we need sound doctrine or religion. These were the very things I felt God had been warning me against. I wanted to stop talking I felt we were on two seperate pages.  God encouraged me to continue and I was able to break through my need for peace and agreement. I tend to back off when others don't agree because I'm afraid that they will defile what I know God speaks to my heart. God has been challenging me to break through this habbit and calling me to fight when necessary and admit my own fault when necessary (especially if you knew me as a young kid you will know how hard it is for me to deal with being wrong, but I truly am learning). As I pushed through and made my points clear I saw that sometimes our termanology is what throughs us off. My definition of spiritual and religion are different than his. What it comes down to is we both believe in the bible but we need to look at doctrines and determine what we do and do not believe. This only makes our faith stronger. We need to know where we stand, otherwise we will be like the house on a foundation of sand. 

So we ended our discussion with prayer time. I don't remember Jason's exact words but he asked for God to speak to me. We had talked about spiritual gifts and how the church doesn't really teach those anymore. Well, after we hung up I thought of my spiritual gifts, the ones I have basically hid from for some time. It isn't something I would usually put on something like this but I am becoming more courageous for my Jesus and realizing it isn't something to be ashamed of. In my past I've seen evil spirits. There have been times I hid under a blanket and prayed until they went away [or at least they were no longer within my senses]. So getting back to after getting off the phone with Jason. I talked to God about my gifts I told him how I used to think he was going to literally throw me into spiritual warfare armed with only scripture and prayer. I had this fear for some time that I would be thrown into a room of evil spirits that I could actually see and I would have to call on Jesus for protection and for their defeat. I told him how I didn't think I could ever be ready for that. Then I thought what promises do I cling to? God will never give us more than we can handle. So I went to bed saying I could handle evil spirits with you by my side. I fell asleep. I woke up a little later fully alert. I honestly scanned the room with my eyes looking for evil spirits and asking God what do I need to do? I felt I was awake for a purpose. I prayed for the holy spirit to fill me so I would be ready. I could actually feel him fill me and fell asleep in peace. I woke up a little later and I was ready for battle. God called me to labor in prayer for someone I know evil spirits have been seeking. Then all of a sudden God spoke to me in his own special way. I can tell you this every time God speaks to me it is scary in the beginning but then I am filled with peace. This is how he spoke:

I could sense evil and I shut my eyes. I prayed for courage and opened my eyes. I cant even explain what I saw. The easy answer would be Hell. I was afraid but I remembered my weapon PRAYER.  I felt an invisible chain around my stomach and I felt like the devil had all power over me. I started saying you have no power over me. I was suspended on some kind of chain and I floated while demons did their best to assault me and make me think they ruled over me. I was turned over and looked into a fiery pit and I called even more on Jesus saying how he has conquered all and I was his. I knew that they had no power. At my weakest point I just clung to the FACT that Jesus died for me. I told them that he already conquered them. At that moment I could see their defeat and I yanked at the invisible chain around my waist and it was over. I asked God if it was really over I was actually almost ready and willing for more. 

So what do I have to say about this? I believe this was a vision from God. Not of what will come to pass as with the prophets of the Bible. Yet still a vision from God. This was God's way of showing me that I have nothing to fear. This was his way of setting me through the fire to make me pure. Was it real? Not in the sense that most would say what is real and fake. It was really God showing me that if I cling to him I can withstand anything. I mean I was literally sweating after this was over. It was his way of saying "spirits assault others, you know how to deal with it. Can you imagine how scared you would be if you didn't have me, if you didn't know what to do? Go set others free." It may not make any sense to you, but God speaks today in these times. I value quality time I'm a big one-on-one person. God knows that and he speaks to me with messages that are for me. Talk to God and expect him to talk back. You never know what could happen.

Some verses I just read after all this had happened:

James 4:7-10

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. REsist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

What do I know?

I spent the day praying, reading the bible and just seeking God's will in my life. I asked myself what do I know? 

I know what I want. I want to live differently than the normal American. I want to know God in the way those of the Bible do. I want to have an unshakable faith that believes all things are possible with the God who created this universe. I don't want to just say I believe this. I want to live in a way that displays this. I want to put all my trust in him and actually KNOW that my prayers are heard and they have power, His power.

I know what makes me happy. I'm happy when I help people. I'm happy when I can be with kids and just be myself. I'm happy when I take care of people. I'm happy when I can just be with people and talk about God.

I KNOW....

that God has a plan for me that is beyond what I can imagine. I know that if I choose to give my life to him and say, "Do what you want with this life," I will be more fulfilled than I could even imagine. I know that no amount of money can make me as fulfilled as I am when I give God my time and rid myself of distractions. This has been proven by the three summers I spent at Sommerset. I find myself discovering that the less I have, the happier I become. Some would say I have if backwards but I know that God's plan for me is something I will only find as I rid myself of distractions and seek him with all my mind, heart, and soul. I know he has put certain desires in my heart so that he can make them complete. Right now I don't know what the future holds but as long as I continue to put my trust in God I will be in good hands. I'm excited about the mysterious journey that he has placed before me. So, I don't know much but....

MOST IMPORTANTLY I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. GOD DOES. THE ONLY WAY I CAN FIND THE ANSWERS IS TO SEEK HIM.