cry of my heart

How hard it is to see my failures

How sweet it is to know I'm not alone

How wonderful to be forgiven

How amazing to be fully loved

It's so confusing trying to find the way

Not knowing what is or isn't sacred

Such peace when wisdom finds its way

Continuous struggle

How rewarding it will be in the end

A life that struggles to be its own

surrenders to your will

better than I could do alone

Your way, not my own

Please PRAY

I believe God uses us wherever we are and with whatever we are going through. The continuing theme in my life the past couple weeks has been, "lean not on your own understanding" and "you need to work together with the rest of the body".

" so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."

~Romans 12:5

Last night after praying for Jesus to break down my walls I was able to speak to Jason about this struggle for me. I told him I have issues with trust and just being free to be me with others. I won't get into our whole conversation but I told him it's hard because for so many people there is seriously a process to getting me to open up just for a conversation. I said there are these people who can walk up to the doors and they fly open, but for most there is a very long combination. He replied with,  "yeah and the combination continually changes". The sad part is he is right. If you are reading this please pray that my doors would open up. I want so desperatly to be able to know and love the rest of Christ's body. I want to know them in such a way that we function together. 

P.S. Romans 12 is awsome! (God knew it's just what I needed to read at this moment.)

God speaks

Jason and I had quite a long spiritual conversation tonight. I had felt weak earlier today and we had a very important conversation about what do we believe and what we need to be careful of. As we are not at a point that we can say we believe in our heart any certain doctrine is the true way he was reminding me to be careful. We both are so different which is a huge reason I believe God has brought us together. 

Jason was warning to be careful of just being "spiritual" and talked of how we need sound doctrine or religion. These were the very things I felt God had been warning me against. I wanted to stop talking I felt we were on two seperate pages.  God encouraged me to continue and I was able to break through my need for peace and agreement. I tend to back off when others don't agree because I'm afraid that they will defile what I know God speaks to my heart. God has been challenging me to break through this habbit and calling me to fight when necessary and admit my own fault when necessary (especially if you knew me as a young kid you will know how hard it is for me to deal with being wrong, but I truly am learning). As I pushed through and made my points clear I saw that sometimes our termanology is what throughs us off. My definition of spiritual and religion are different than his. What it comes down to is we both believe in the bible but we need to look at doctrines and determine what we do and do not believe. This only makes our faith stronger. We need to know where we stand, otherwise we will be like the house on a foundation of sand. 

So we ended our discussion with prayer time. I don't remember Jason's exact words but he asked for God to speak to me. We had talked about spiritual gifts and how the church doesn't really teach those anymore. Well, after we hung up I thought of my spiritual gifts, the ones I have basically hid from for some time. It isn't something I would usually put on something like this but I am becoming more courageous for my Jesus and realizing it isn't something to be ashamed of. In my past I've seen evil spirits. There have been times I hid under a blanket and prayed until they went away [or at least they were no longer within my senses]. So getting back to after getting off the phone with Jason. I talked to God about my gifts I told him how I used to think he was going to literally throw me into spiritual warfare armed with only scripture and prayer. I had this fear for some time that I would be thrown into a room of evil spirits that I could actually see and I would have to call on Jesus for protection and for their defeat. I told him how I didn't think I could ever be ready for that. Then I thought what promises do I cling to? God will never give us more than we can handle. So I went to bed saying I could handle evil spirits with you by my side. I fell asleep. I woke up a little later fully alert. I honestly scanned the room with my eyes looking for evil spirits and asking God what do I need to do? I felt I was awake for a purpose. I prayed for the holy spirit to fill me so I would be ready. I could actually feel him fill me and fell asleep in peace. I woke up a little later and I was ready for battle. God called me to labor in prayer for someone I know evil spirits have been seeking. Then all of a sudden God spoke to me in his own special way. I can tell you this every time God speaks to me it is scary in the beginning but then I am filled with peace. This is how he spoke:

I could sense evil and I shut my eyes. I prayed for courage and opened my eyes. I cant even explain what I saw. The easy answer would be Hell. I was afraid but I remembered my weapon PRAYER.  I felt an invisible chain around my stomach and I felt like the devil had all power over me. I started saying you have no power over me. I was suspended on some kind of chain and I floated while demons did their best to assault me and make me think they ruled over me. I was turned over and looked into a fiery pit and I called even more on Jesus saying how he has conquered all and I was his. I knew that they had no power. At my weakest point I just clung to the FACT that Jesus died for me. I told them that he already conquered them. At that moment I could see their defeat and I yanked at the invisible chain around my waist and it was over. I asked God if it was really over I was actually almost ready and willing for more. 

So what do I have to say about this? I believe this was a vision from God. Not of what will come to pass as with the prophets of the Bible. Yet still a vision from God. This was God's way of showing me that I have nothing to fear. This was his way of setting me through the fire to make me pure. Was it real? Not in the sense that most would say what is real and fake. It was really God showing me that if I cling to him I can withstand anything. I mean I was literally sweating after this was over. It was his way of saying "spirits assault others, you know how to deal with it. Can you imagine how scared you would be if you didn't have me, if you didn't know what to do? Go set others free." It may not make any sense to you, but God speaks today in these times. I value quality time I'm a big one-on-one person. God knows that and he speaks to me with messages that are for me. Talk to God and expect him to talk back. You never know what could happen.

Some verses I just read after all this had happened:

James 4:7-10

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. REsist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

What do I know?

I spent the day praying, reading the bible and just seeking God's will in my life. I asked myself what do I know? 

I know what I want. I want to live differently than the normal American. I want to know God in the way those of the Bible do. I want to have an unshakable faith that believes all things are possible with the God who created this universe. I don't want to just say I believe this. I want to live in a way that displays this. I want to put all my trust in him and actually KNOW that my prayers are heard and they have power, His power.

I know what makes me happy. I'm happy when I help people. I'm happy when I can be with kids and just be myself. I'm happy when I take care of people. I'm happy when I can just be with people and talk about God.

I KNOW....

that God has a plan for me that is beyond what I can imagine. I know that if I choose to give my life to him and say, "Do what you want with this life," I will be more fulfilled than I could even imagine. I know that no amount of money can make me as fulfilled as I am when I give God my time and rid myself of distractions. This has been proven by the three summers I spent at Sommerset. I find myself discovering that the less I have, the happier I become. Some would say I have if backwards but I know that God's plan for me is something I will only find as I rid myself of distractions and seek him with all my mind, heart, and soul. I know he has put certain desires in my heart so that he can make them complete. Right now I don't know what the future holds but as long as I continue to put my trust in God I will be in good hands. I'm excited about the mysterious journey that he has placed before me. So, I don't know much but....

MOST IMPORTANTLY I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. GOD DOES. THE ONLY WAY I CAN FIND THE ANSWERS IS TO SEEK HIM.

Friday night.

Where do I start? 

Proverbs 3:11-12

"My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

Ok, for my case it should say daughter and I feel like God has been lovingly correcting me rather than diciplining me. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I came back last weekend excited because God have given me guidance of what direction he wants my life to take. That is good and that is something to be excited about. The problem was I didn't know exactly what that was suppose to mean for the here and now. That is where I started to lean on my understanding. 

I knew that in my relationship with Jason we weren't being totally devoted to God so I figured that meant I needed to let go of that relationship in order to pursue what God was doing now in my life. I figured that since we were putting each other in God's rightful place it meant that we each needed to back off and focus only on God for this time.  Some people I love, respect, and truly look up to as a Godly example sat me down for a talk. They wanted me to think about what God had already done in my life and ask myself about this new direction.  They wanted me to think about the nature of love and how I wasn't acurately displaying that. They were quick to point out how it was God who had told me to pursue a relationship with Jason even in a time when he creeped me out and I wanted no part in it. As they said God doesn't change his mind. If he had told me to pursue this relationship it was is in his plan. Well this lead to some deep thinking on my part.

Well, these thoughts gave Jason and I plently to talk about Friday night. I told him of my fears, of how I didn't want either of us to so focused on each other that we forget about God. The past year has been pretty rocky for us and we both knew it. In our talk he said , "You say your whole life was changed this weekend, let me tell you my world changed. This was God's wakeup call for me. He was reminding me of how he has given me so much and in an instant he can take it all away. I've never have been so diciplined in my life as I have been the past few days. Do remember how scared the devil was of us. Well he hasn't been but he's getting scared again Kristi. I don't want him to have us or our children.  When we are married our triangle can be so small that we are one [triangle refers to a relationship where God is the top and the bottom corners are formed by the two people in a relationship]. " [paraphrase]  That is only a small excert from the conversation we had. Let me tell you, I have never been more in love with him than I was in that moment. There is something that strikes the core of my being when I can see Jesus pour out from his heart.  I spent that night reading the bible, praying and just wrestling with what God wanted from me.

What conclusions did I come to? I knew that God had put Jason in my life. That I was absolutely certain of. We do not serve a God who changes his mind the way mere mortals do. Was he happy with the state our relationship had previously been in? No. My mind turns to the song White as Snow by Leslie Ludy, "...The moment you confessed His heart forgave ~You might think you've ruined all the plans He had for you~ But it's for that very reason Jesus saves~ White as snow ~He has made you white as snow~ Pure and innocent like a dove..." I realized that ever since I came back Jason was there strengthening me. God doesn't want me to try and do everything alone. He does want me to be careful in my relationship and that is something we both have agreed on. I don't want a single thought to be dishonoring to God. 

It seems everyone has asked me why don't I just continue with dentistry and use that with missions. I think that is a great thing but I really feel God has been calling away from that. I had pursued dentistry because it was a way to work with my hands and to incorporate my favorite subjects and still be able to afford all my hobbies. It was kind of my ticket to having it all. The desires of my heart have been changing. There has been nothing I love more that being with children. Ever since the first time I fasted [right around the presidential election] my thoughts have also been on the poor. Ministry has also been another desire that has been tugging at my heart since my second year at Somerset. After talking these things over with Jason I think I would like to be a teacher in an orphanage. Is that exactly what God has in mind? I'm not sure. God has some great plans for my future and I'm just excited to take each step in this journey towards his plan.

A challenge

Read Katie's blog: kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com , It continually reminds me that God has great plans for me. It challenges me to trust him with all of my being. Just read this entry:

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THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2007

Peter is the rock on which God built His church. But fist, Peter was probably the worst disciple ever. I am Peter.

Jesus tells Peter the Peter will deny Him 3 times; Peter says, "No! I love you, I could never deny you, Lord." Yet we all know that Peter does in fact deny Jesus 3 times. I know in my heart and my soul and the core of my being that I LOVE the Lord, that I would do anything for Him, go to the ends of the earth for Him, but how often do i forget to give the Glory back to His name? How often do I take compliments without giving Him the credit, without the honor and praise back to God who has given me this work? Do I, as Peter, deny Jesus the glory that is His?

Jesus told His disciples that it was God's will for Him to be arrested. He went willingly when the soldiers came to take Him, but enthusiastic, loving Peter raised his sword and cut off a soldier's ear. I'm sure Jesus chuckled and shook His head as He put the ear right back on the man. "put your sword away," Jesus commanded, "shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" I am Peter. I have my own time frame. When I don't see things happening, I try to make them happen. And Jesus says, "Put away your sword, put away your plans. Shall we not do what the Father has asked of us?" So like Peter, I put away my plans, my defenses, and watch as everything happens perfectly, in God's own timing.

After Jesus had risen, He appeared to His disciples while they were fishing. When Peter saw his beloved Savior, He excitedly jumped out of the boat and began swimming where Jesus stood. Needless to say, the boat probably reached the shore long before Peter. I am Peter. Excitedly jumping into things, and then standing, sopping wet, at the feet of the Lord, smiling at my stupidity. I get excited, forget to think things through, and end up doing them the long way. Every time, though, just as with Peter, Jesus welcomes my soaking wet self into His arms and is simply happy to see me.

I am Peter who made many mistakes, but I am Peter who God had great plans for, who God established to do His work. Peter is the rock on which Jesus built His church. The very night that Perter foolishly jumped out of the boat, Jesus reinstated Him in the presence of the other disciples. "Do you truly love me?" He asked. "Then feed my lambs." "Do you really love me? Take care of my lambs." "Peter, DO YOU LOVE me? Feed my sheep, and come. Come follow Me."

For each time that I deny God the Glory that is His, for each time I follow my will instead of listening to His, for each time I jump ahead without first consulting my Lord, He asks, “Daughter, do you truly love me?” and I do. “Feed my sheep.” And I will. And I do. “Come follow me.” And I am, or at least I am trying.

I am Peter. I mess up. I make mistakes, I am far from perfect, and God will use me. God will establish great things through me. You are Peter. God already knows that you will make a mess, but His plan for you is great. Go. Feed His sheep.

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I can understand what she says and feel the same thing is true of me. I want to race ahead when God calls me to be still. I am so excited about what God is doing that it is so hard to be still and be patient. I know he is calling me to go take care of his forgotten children, but I also know he has to build me up first. I am so eager to know where am I going? What plans do you have for me Lord? I want to be sent NOW. In this he teaches me patience and that I am not yet ready for that type of work. It is my desire that he would build me up in faith and prepare me body, soul, and mind for what lies ahead. I need to learn to depend on him alone. Let that be your prayer for me. 

with love eternal,

                           kristi

Forever Changed

Since I have come back from the girls conference my whole world has been altered. I got off the plane and told my mom that I'm going to go back next summer for the majority of the summer , then I'm going off to mission work. As if that wasn't enough I told her that I'm going to become a massage therapist instead of a dentist. I got home and called my boyfriend and told him everything has to change. I told him that we have pursued each other more than God and the Lord is my number one right now. His question was where does that leave us? He thought I was breaking up with him. I guess that is how most would see it. I told it's back to the beginning. When we waited on God for every detail. I told him I'm going off to missions and I don't know when. My thought was that he wouldn't pursue someone with such plans. It seems he might but as I told him "where this leaves us is up to you. I am pursuing God." Our fate is totally dependent on God's plan. Yet we are more together than we have been in a long time. We truly are back to the beginning.

So I'm not trying to make this post about my relationship with Jason, I just figured that might be an area where if it was any shorter people would freak out (and you still might). It is my desire to be with him forever but only if we love God more than we love each other. 

Yesterday I was in Physics class and the teacher talked down on faith. I felt my king prodding and my heart saying, " I've given you new direction. Why are you here and listening to this? leave." I was nervous and scared. How could I just walk out? I said a prayer for the teacher in my mind then got up and left. The moment I was out the door I was filled with joy. The real life adventure had truly began. I was taking a stand for my prince. I am too weak to absorb such statements in this time. I have no room for doubt in God's power. When I am stronger God would probably want me to handle such a situation in a different manner. I am becoming ever stronger in him as I learn to take the steps he asks of me when he asks them. Each step of faith shows me and him, " I stand for you alone. You gave your life for me and I'm giving it back. You gave your blood for mine now I am willing to die for your name if you ask." Many people may think this is too extreme, but what Jesus did for us is extreme. The least I can do is return the favor. 

Forever His,

                        Kristi