a different kind of day

9:10

I've been praying for freedom. Freedom from what others think, freedom from my list of things to do, freedom from just about everything. I had become a slave to school, work, and what others thought of me. Today was a day of deliverance. My entire day was filled with peace. I took my anatomy test and didn't really worry about the score. I went to work and had fun with the kids. I came home and didn't run to my school work. I'm learning to realize that there are more important things and I really can stay connected to God even through school and work.

There was this baby crying at work and I just wanted to make him happy. I knew what he really wanted was some love so I picked him up. It didn't stop the tears even as I bounced around the room with him in my arms. Then he looked into my eyes and we just stared at each other. I fell in love with those beautiful blue eyes. He had stopped crying as he stared at me, he seemed to be mezmerized by something. When his finger touched my lips i made a kissing sound. Finally a smile started to form at the corners of his mouth. So I made tons of kissy noises and then he smiled and laughed. The joy a laughing baby can bring is priceless. I wished I would never have to let him go. I don't think I can ever have enough children. I can't wait to be a mom.

10:40

So I bid on a set of 6 disney dvds. The moment I did I thought, " I really shouldn't be spending money right now." Then I flipped to a blog I follow. It's a 16 year old that believes in helping orphans. After listening to the song that was playing and reading her blog entry I hoped that I would be outbid. I decided it would be better to take that money and use on orphans. I said a little prayer and flipped back to ebay. I was outbid. I looked in my purse and I had exactly the amount I had bid. Pretty cool, huh?

Worth writing

Even if I'm late for work this is worth writing down. I've been extremely overwhelmed with everything lately. I came home from school and felt like i had to study for my test. I was just stressed. Then I could feel God tugging on my heart. All I could say in my head was I don't even know how to talk to you. I don't know how to give you what you deserve, i dont even know how to rightly worship you anymore. I'm just lost.

I got on facebook to try and get in contact with someone for just another thing on list of what to do. I had an email from Teresa, the one I call my living saint. Well, it was a youtube video of a woman singing and just worshiping. I was in awe of the way she worshiped. When it was over it had a bunch of related videos and I started watching them. I liked them, but it wasn't like they had a huge impact. I still didn't know how I could have that. I took a shower and decided just to sing to god from my heart.

I started singing, "I can't see Jesus anymore. Can you be Jesus to me today. I've forgotten how love you, I've forgotten what your like. I need someone to show me Jesus. Show Jesus to someone with a hug...Can you show me Jesus today? I know he lives in someone's heart. Will you let him use you so I can see Jesus today?

I hopped back online after the shower. This is what I read:

It was the first night of one of our big church conferences, and I was home with a sleeping baby, frantically cleaning up and getting ready to go to worship practice. I had so much to do it was ridiculous. As I'm running around the house, I pass by the piano in our living room and felt like I needed to sit down and worship. "Ya right!" , I thought - "Do you know what I have to do!?!" So I ignored the thought and continued my whirlwind. But I knew it was Him. So, frustrated, I sat down at the piano and began to play/sing in a minor key, "what can I do for you? What can I bring to you?". It was real and it was honest - which I think personally, is the ONLY way to come to Him. And as I sat there with my frustrated scowl on my face, the Lord spoke to me, "I didn't want anything, I just wanted to be with you." My heart sank. And through snot and tears, I wrote this song:

What can I do for you
What can I give to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
I'll dance a dance for you
I'll pour out my love to you
What can I give to you beautiful King
Cause I can't thank you enough
I can't thank you enough

Then I hear you sing to me
You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me and let the housework go
Those things can wait another minute
Wait this moment is to sweet please stay here with me
And love on me a little longer
'Cause I'm in love with you

I thought I want something like that. Then I went to her video links. I clicked on a song that said "Jesus singing". The title really caught me. The video opened in a new page and it said "Jenn Singing". I looked back at the original window and it had said Jenn Singing, not Jesus singing. I got the message, Jesus had found someone to show himself to me through. I listened to the words as if it was Jesus himself singing to me. I had tears.It wasn't until later that I realized the song I just heard was the one I had just read about in her blog.